“Hi, hope you enjoyed the baptism ceremony, here’s your child back, careful, his head’s still a little wet… oh, and here’s your baptismal candle in a complimentary dildo box.”

It’s not the stained glass window in the shape of a giant, 70’s-style dildo that makes this box special… it’s the three lines the graphic designer added at the top, giving the illusion of movement, that really pushes this into the realm of “no way, that couldn’t possible exist.”.

But thanks to those three lines, it’s not just a stained glass dildo, it’s a stained glass vibrator… and it’s on, like right now.

I wasn’t a huge fan of having my son baptized — mostly I agreed to it for the schools, but when the priest handed me the candle we used to bless my son in this box at the end of the ceremony, I knew it was totally worth the entire, uncomfortable process. Seriously, that’s a souvenir you keep forever.

Sure, I lied in church about pretty much everything during the baptism, so yeah, if there is a God, and he was paying attention, I’m going to Hell. But so is the guy who designed the image on that box, and so are all the other people who saw the image of a John Holmes sized dildo and thought “yeah, it makes total sense to give this to children when we baptize them.”.

Honestly, did they run out of pictures of ‘come hither’ Jesus?

…at least it wasn’t in the shape of an anal douche. I guess.